Sunday, February 29, 2004

Sailing on the ship of fools
Sunday morning: coffee fresh from the stove and a head full of half-formed thoughts. If none of what follows makes sense blame it on the caffeine.
Where to start? Never before have I felt so strongly that I am chained to the wheel of fortune (feel free to hum O Fortuna from Carmina Burana while you read). In truth it feels more accurate to say that I am a gambler transfixed by the roulette wheel. My thoughts run like this - at any moment our situation could change completely, could return to 'normal' with both of us working (halcyon days of disposable income, theatre, holidays and future plans). Therefore, we just need to hold on, stay strong and wait it out. But, as the animator reminded me this morning, we've been thinking this for the last two years, unemployment/money anxiety/everything put on hold - this is our normality now. I'm so tired of holding on waiting for the wheel to turn, waiting for our luck to change.
And yet despite everything we are both so positive in our outlook and sure that things will change and change for the better. Without this certainty we wouldn't have married and I would never have quit my job. These moments of awareness, when we talk of where our lives are going and hold each other, comfort each other, it is during these moments that I recognise that we are adrift, but not alone. It's a strange sensation. I'm so grateful for what we've got, and we have so much, but at the same time I'm so frustrated by this sense of being becalmed, waiting for change, powerless to turn the wheel.

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