Saturday, March 13, 2004

All kinds of thoughts and half thoughts and plain old nonsense streaming through my attempt at consciousness today. This may well end up being the most disjointed - and naked - post ever, because frankly I feel like I'm slowly losing my sanity. [Do you remember when Moriarty captured Sherlock Holmes and rigged up this blood letting contraption so that Holmes would be trapped watching himself die one drop at a time? I saw it on film once and the image stayed with me. Someone, possibly me, has rigged me up like that and I'm transfixed watching my own - don't know the word to use - spirit, mojo, will to live, essential being disappear one drop at a time.] The animator said, well the animator has said many things all of them good and wise and helpful - stuff about goals and counting blessings and how we're about to turn a corner, stuff about that job was making you unhappy so why is not working there making you even more unhappy? Yesterday I turned down a job editing TV listings, well turned down an interview anyway. I'm still trying to work out if I did 'the right thing'. It was a three-month contract and shift work and I was second choice and the agency woman was rude and the job was in Ealing and there were lots of reasons to tell her no. The fear is that I said no not because of the draconian selection process (interview leading to immediate start of three-day trial leading to three-month contract - sounded dodgy to me), but because I was scared of not getting it - ie I thought if I'm not offered this I'm really on the scrap heap. and there are many other things going on with me right now, edge-of-the-abyss things that scare me, I scare myself and try to hide. At times of stress/boredom/anxiety/self loathing I tend to eat - binge to be precise - and, if I'm honest, vomit. It took me a long time to admit I was bulimic and a few years ago I spent time, money and energy stopping the cycle. I thought I'd never go back there, I thought I had it licked. Well it's back and it's making me feel so much worse about myself. I'm looking for a door to walk through, I'm looking for a way out, I'm looking to find my willpower and all the bits of me I like and am proud of. I know that those bits of self are around here somewhere I just can't seem to lay my hands on them right now.
And there's so much I should/could be doing with my days. Writing, reading, running, applying for jobs - and attending interviews, fuck the snotty agency staff - just breathing and feeling good about life. And I tell myself that I can do these things, but you see I don't and then I feel that I've failed. It is so stupid and self-defeating and I know this. All of which explains why I'm twitching and constantly in a maelstrom of thought and inaction - why can't I break through this? I'm really ashamed of myself. Normally all this would get written in my journal and I really have no idea why it's getting posted here, when I find it nearly impossible to tell friends what's going on, but then that's the strange thing about blogs, they are liberating and, at the same time, demand brutal honesty.

Moving forward...
I started this blog because I wanted my life to be radically different and now it is, though not in the way I'd wanted it to be. So perhaps it is time to restate those aims, apologies if they sound pompous, goals always seem to.

  • I want to live in a way that does not harm the environment

  • I want my personal space to be enriched with art and beauty

  • I want a job that is worth doing

  • I want a family

  • I want to be healthy in body and mind

  • Finally, I know that this period of powerlessness won't last forever, it just feels endless right now. As soon as we get out of this mad situation all of the above will feel so distant that I'll wonder how I ever came to write it.

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