Tuesday, June 29, 2004

can't get no satisfaction
I'm never satisfied. You might have noticed this character flaw in me already - I'd say it comes across clearly in my posts. I'm always looking ahead, trying to propell myself into a better future. My mum used to tell people, 'she's five going on fifteen' and that sense of trying to get ahead, be further along the life development curve has never left me. I rarely, if ever, relax and enjoy the here and now. Take my new job as an example, within a week I was already overlooking all the positives of the situation (the money, the training opportunities, the stability, the way employees are looked after) and thinking about where I could go next to earn more and feel happier about the work I am doing. If that makes me sound incredibly ambitious that's the wrong impression - it's not ambition, ambition is much narrower - I get frustrated about all aspects of my life. When TA and I first met I pushed so hard to accelerate the process of building our relationship, I succeeded too: within three months we were living together. Of course, later, I felt rather wistful that we hadn't had longer to enjoy 'courting' - see, I'm never satisfied! Currently, and for the last year or so, I've felt an increasing sense of urgency about building our home and starting a family. I'm 27 - if we're going to have five children, and be youngish parents for all of them, and without putting my body under enormous strain (I think you are supposed to leave four years between babies) we really must start soon. TA and I have both got older parents and it's a pressure - they want grandchildren, we want our children to have grandparents.
Of course, once I have built a house and given birth to an outrageous number of children, I'll feel frustrated by other things entirely...

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