Saturday, April 30, 2005

how much do I love thee?
TA accused me of no longer paying attention a few weeks ago. The accusation stung, so I have begun a campaign of concerted attention paying. Last night I spent several hours in an upstairs room of a rough and ready south-of-the-river pub. I told my workmates, sorry I can't come out with you I have to go meet to strangers in a pub to talk about fantasy roleplay. While I was waiting for TA to show up I read this month's issue of 3D World - cover to cover. On our way home I discussed different facial texturing methods with TA and the character I will be playing when we beta test FateStorm. Also yesterday, I requested information on specialist 3D courses and researched the cost of high-end, custom-made PCs. I wonder if TA has noticed I'm paying attention yet? I wonder when he'll start paying me these kind of attentions?

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

We have moved, we have unpacked the essentials, but things are crazy busy and I've gone into meltdown a couple of times in the last few days...I will update the UB properly soon I promise.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Do you ever feel two dimensional? I think I've turned into a cardboard cut out. Somewhere along the line - possibly years ago - I got steamrollered and all the blood, all the fury was flattened out of me. I think I watched it run down the drain and into the sewer with something like momentary relief. Why, why did I swap salt - purifying, savoursome brine - for dessication? I keep trying to suck moisture and flavour out of things to reconstitute myself, but to no avail. I listen to music and read palimpsest. I look at my palm - can you self-administer the kiss of life? - but nothing seems to trigger more than the faintest flicker, the weakest palpitation of a heart that used to beat loud and fierce like a war drum. I remember what living wild felt like. I remember the exhilaration, the wild swoops from deepest despair to mountain high. I remember how fast and furious the synapses sparked. A year ago I thought it must be the pill that's robbed me of my senses, so I stopped. I was dry for months, I cloistered myself as much as I could - fallow is the word I'd use. I'm allowing myself to be fallow, not daring to recognise I was lying with fallow, when I should have admitted I was sterile. So if it's not an external dosage that's keeping me doped, tell me have you ever felt two dimensional? And if you were flattened, what brought you round?

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

T-3 for the Aussies
It's been confirmed, the toothsome threesome will be moving into Palace Badger (well, where do you go from Mansions?) on Thursday. We will follow next week and I'm so excited I could wet myself. The two months have been one long rollercoaster pantomime of "woo-hoo, yes we've found somewhere" only to be followed by an audience chant of "yah boo sucks, oh no you haven't". I got so sick and tired of it and of myself that I couldn't face retelling the details of every dull disappointment. In other badger-themes news, the Observer Food Monthly tickled me pink by suggesting roadkill badger burgers.

Friday, April 08, 2005

we have found somewhere to live!
And it's gorgeous: central, brand new, immaculate, spacious. Phew. More soon - once I've had time to assimilate the relief and acclimatise to the idea that I don't need to be panicking. Housemates J, D and M will move in next weekend, we'll follow soon after. Hallelujah!