to the two girls on the 453 on Sunday 6.30pm
First off, please go and sit somewhere else as I've been walking for hours in the countryside and a/ I think I might smell, b/ I'm worn out and would like some space. No? You're dead set on sitting next to me and diagonally opposite me are you? Well, okay just don't make too much noise and please get off at Oxford Circus.
No, no, no girl opposite me. Please don't sing - if that's what you think you're doing. What on earth is the significance of those three nah-naaaaaah-naah "notes" you keep bellowing. Ah, here at last is Oxford Circus! Why aren't you getting off?
Of course, kicking each other is the perfect way to pass the time. Yes, I quite agree with you grotty girl sitting opposite me: trainers should not be placed on lovely tracksuit bottoms. No don't start singing again - Oh thank god! - I agree with you, girl sitting next to me: the singing is doing my head in too.
Oh! Those boys are with you are they? Well, you know each other, at least. My god, you're quite ugly aren't you, girl sitting next to me. I wonder why you think telling a boy his ex-girlfriend is a lezzer because of him is a sure-fire way to get said boy to transfer his affections to you. However, I think your assertion that every girl in your class except you and the girl sitting opposite me is also a lezzer somewhat undermines your previous point. Although, come to think of it, I rather hope they are because these boys are incredibly charmless and it is my experience that the more lezzers there are in a town, the nicer that town is for everyone.
Ah! Here comes Waterloo - surely you must be getting off now? No? Oh, lord save me.
I think you may have upset the boy with that comment that he turned a girl lezzer. I also think the singer opposite me might not like you quite as much as you think, troll girl. Perhaps you are coming to the same conclusion? Why else would they be gleefully asking you if you liked - was it German? - sausage. Oh dear, waggling fingers at you and asking if you like little sausages isn't very nice is it? I wonder if I'm brave enough to say any of this out loud?
Right, surely you must be leaving me here? You look like you belong in Elephant and Castle. No, I suppose that was too much to ask for. I expect you live downstairs from the Sett and I'll be forced to bump into you regularly from now on. And while I'm at it, why on earth are you wearing that awful headband? Pulling your hair back just emphasises that terrible nose. With looks like that you really ought to concentrate on being clever and charming. Perhaps that's why you're pretty much the only non-lezzer in the school? No girl would touch you. Mind you, seemingly, the boys also don't like either of you that much. Oh, for goodness' sake! Can't you see that they're egging you on so that they can laugh about you (and tell the other girls what you said) later? No, you really think you're getting somewhere, don't you?
Well said! I truly, truly, wish you could get off the bus too! It feels like you've been on it for several lifetimes.
Ah! At last you're leaving me - and at least I know now that you live three bus stops away from the Sett. My sanctum remains inviolate. Now, young ladies, if only you could be flies on the wall. For, lo! The two quiet teenagers - a boy and a girl, are they dating? - have called over the boisterous chaps you had set your caps at. I have to report to you that I think your names are mud as far as the quiet young lady is concerned and that the boys are being reprimanded for listening and encouraging you. Sorry, can't tell you anymore - after the longest, nastiest bus ride - I'm finally at my stop.