Tuesday, October 24, 2006

he only does it to annoy, because he knows it teases
We are in a pickle. Suddenly TA is cooking fabulous dinners and being extra solicitous – where has all this energy come from? When I opened my lunch box yesterday I realised he’d cut up the leftover steak into bite-sized pieces for me, displaying a level of care and attention I’ve not seen for months. This morning as I was kissing him goodbye he asked me what I wanted for dinner. When I couldn’t think of an answer he said, “I’ll call you later to decide.” And actually he did call me yesterday to let me know he was going to cook – this from the man who wasn’t even answering the phone last week.
Of course I’m thrilled that he’s taking an active part in life again, but also thoroughly confused. I’m still burning with a mixture of – oh, how can I explain? – astonishment, regret, guilt, bewilderment…pride from Saturday’s unprecedented trip into surreal fantasy and now I can’t begin to decipher how I feel about anything that’s happening. If he’s about to leave why are we cuddling, kissing and emotionally engaging with one another?
TA says I should look after my own needs first and if he’s about to disappear I want to prepare for that. It’s not what I want, far from it, but if he needs to go there’s nothing I can, or would want to, do to stop him. I need to reassure myself that I’ll be able to cope with my sorrows without drowning myself in the sea or them in a bottle.
As a survival mechanism, I need to start looking on the bright side of a future alone – this is much easier to achieve when TA is a silent, unmoving object. But even when he was unreachable, I found the thought of unravelling our woven life – unpicking myself from the fabric of our marriage – a terrifying prospect.
He told me last night that I needed to work out what it was I wanted from life, but I can’t even begin to without knowing whether or not he’s going to be a part of it. We’ve been treading water for so long, not able to make plans until TA’s employment situation changes, that to out of the blue pull out not only an ideal plan A for two, but also a plan B for a solo badger is too much for my little brain to cope with.
Here in no-man’s-land, every day is a new adventure: throwing up unexpected challenges and studded with hidden landmines. We’re walking wounded not knowing what path to take or even whether or not we can lean on each other.

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