Thursday, October 05, 2006

numbered days
Self-evidently all our days are numbered, from first to last, but for the badger folk this day is more numbered than most. So, I give you some numbers of the day a la Sesame Street. Today is TA’s thirty-fourththird birthday. It is the fifth of his birthdays that I have been present for. It is four years since he has had a birthday while in full-time employ. Today is the day after TA asked me to kill him or leave him or both – of course, not for the first time, I refused.
We talked about the possibility of continuing life in a contemplative cell. The silence and peace of white walls, the comforting confines of restraints. A mercy or an imprisonment? I wish someone could hand down a sentence for me – a monument that could give me meaning to cling to.
Endless, sacred days – is there any kind of irony that isn’t bitter? I wonder when you know your number’s up, since sundown is not an accurate indicator. I wonder when my heart will break, since I never knew it could beat with such steady endurance.

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